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From the outside, King Spa & Sauna in Niles looks like a formal Home Depot. But inside, it's a relaxation nirvana where for only $40 you can trade in your Banana Republic performance stretch wool slacks for a pastel cotton uniform and escape for a full 24 hours. First-timers can find it a maze of saunas and steam rooms, so let me be your guide to the 11 themed ones, in ascending order of Zen enablement.

11. Fire Sudatorium The rock walls of the Fire Sudatorium are heated to  — OH MY GOD PLEASE WHY IS THIS ROOM SO HOT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MY ENTIRE BODY IS SWEAT MY THOUGHTS ARE SWEAT I AM ONLY SWEAT …

10. Anion & Far Infrared Room The spa claims the light in here heals soft-tissue injuries, skin conditions, and rheumatoid arthritis. That’s a lot to expect from a red bulb suspended inches from your face.

You’ve had a long week. If it was anything like mine, it included chasing new business leads, responding to e-mails, running errands, squeezing in doctor’s appointments, planning a wedding and staring at this blank Microsoft Word document hoping it would write itself.

Alas, sometimes the most exhausting part of any activity is inventing reasons not to do it. But treating yourself to a spa-day? There’s always a good excuse for that! Especially after a laborious week filled with all of the above. Now brace yourself because I’m about to enlighten you with a spa-hack that rivals the rest, including the over-priced, underwhelming “fad” services we’ve grown accustomed to in the United States....

About a year ago, I read an article about V-steam, a cleansing spa treatment for, yes, the vagina. Variations of it have existed for centuries, purporting to help women with everything from infertility to menstrual cramps to hormonal acne. I immediately wanted to try it.

It took me a long time to find a place in Chicago that offered it, but recently I discovered just the spot: King Spa & Sauna, a Korean spa outside the city. When my friend Angela came to town for her birthday, I suggested we check it out. OK, fine—I suggested we get our vaginas steamed for her birthday.

For some reason, she agreed, and we headed out to Niles with our friend Leah. The treatment ended up being nothing like I expected—although there was, obviously, steam. Here’s what I learned from my first V-steam....

I'm no spa devotee—someone getting all up in my business with a jasmine-scented loofah doesn’t exactly entice me. But then there’s King Spa & Sauna, which has been described to me as “Las Vegas and Seoul and movie time and dining and naked Russian-speaking strangers and mammoth blingy gemstones and napping all rolled into one.” Well, obviously, this I had to see for myself.

So on a recent weekday morning, my wife and I set out to explore the gargantuan 34,000-square-foot facility sandwiched between Home Depot and the warehouse-size Korean grocery store Super H Mart in a mall plaza in suburban Niles. For those not in the know, here are some fun facts about King Spa: The one in Niles has been open since 2010 and touts itself as the “largest Asian sauna in America”; the other one is in Dallas, that hot spot of progressive healing theory...

King Spa and Sauna is like no place I have ever visited. And I'm guessing the same goes for you.Equal parts movie theater, beauty salon, nudist colony, relaxation retreat, restaurant, meditation studio, sauna, hotel, bath house and trip to Korea, it transports visitors to another world. Luxurious Korean-style saunas ? some of which also feature outdoor water parks ? have attracted huge followings in New York, Dallas and Los Angeles. Initial customers were largely Asians and Eastern Europeans, but the clientele now includes adventurous relaxation seekers of all origins. Chicago-area residents only recently got an opportunity to check out the concept when King opened its doors in Niles in May. My kids, mom and I recently escaped a muggy Sunday afternoon to visit King; here's how it went. About 4:30 p.m. we enter the peaceful, elegant, marble-lined lobby, pay our fees and get rubber wrist bands attached to keys and sensors with our locker numbers. Any extra services we opt for can be automatically charged via the wrist band.

The staff is friendly, informative and helpful, even finding a private shower in the locker room for my 11-year-old son, who is not into showering, steaming and dipping in and out of pools nude with a bunch of male strangers. My mom, 7-year-old daughter and I head for the women's locker room. Our first stop is at the bank of shoe lockers, where we lock up our sandals before proceeding to the main locker room, which features handsome wooden compartments for the rest of our clothes and bags. Once nude, we enter the adjacent spotless bathing area, lined with showers. Women in black bras and undies work at tables administering body scrub treatments. There's also a steam room, and in the middle of the room are three hot pools and one cool pool, where matur Korean women sit chatting and relaxing...